Case Study #4: Spinning in Place

Sometimes life throws a curve ball that knocks the wind out of you, so much so that you’re not sure you want to go on.  An effective Housing Plan requires you to consider the unthinkable.  But in order to be prepared you need to have those very uncomfortable “what if” conversations, no matter how seemingly unlikely that “what if” is.  This is a cautionary tale of one of those unthinkable “what if’s”.  It’s also a beautiful tale of survival.

Henry, a neighbor of ours, is a renowned psychiatrist and professor noted for his groundbreaking work on pain management and mind-body connectivity.  Married to his work he long ago accepted that he would be an elderly bachelor in his later years.  Until one day a friend introduced him to a woman, Jody, 20 years his junior, and instantly fell in love.  They soon married, adopted a baby girl and lived happily ever after.  That is until a few years ago when Jody was diagnosed with a particularly aggressive form of cancer.  With their “baby” girl away at college, Henry gave up his practice and teaching to devote every waking hour to caring for Jody.  When traditional treatments failed, Henry was instrumental in getting Jody enrolled in study after study testing new medications and treatments which seemed to be working, until they didn’t.  Jody passed quietly at home with Henry and their daughter by her side.

Until that moment Henry’s Housing Plan was to live out his years peacefully at home assuming he’d pass first, being 20 years older than Jody.  But life had other plans and Henry wasn’t prepared for what to do next.  At 84, Henry needed a new plan but didn’t know where to start.  To use his words, he was “spinning in place”.  Alone, his daughter now in medical school studying Oncology, he was unprepared and ill-equipped to deal with his new reality.  Without his practice or teaching he didn’t have a reason to leave the house.  Once an avid walker, we would now only occasionally see him out but rather than working with his usual purpose he would wander aimlessly around the neighborhood.  When he tried teaching, he was too distracted.  The same when he tried seeing a few patients again.  He never learned to cook and was either eating unhealthy prepared food or frozen food.  Neighbors brought home cooked meals and a former student he’d mentored hired a private chef who delivered meal plans to his door weekly.  Too often he just couldn’t bring himself to eat.  Deeply depressed, self-medicating, and dramatically losing weight, his health was failing and he was sinking into a deep dark place and couldn’t find his way out. 

We started talking to Henry about options that were available to him.  He lived in a lovely single-story home.  He had cleaning help, plenty of food, all the elements to successfully age in place but it wasn’t working.  We talked about home health aides, support groups, exercise groups…. It was impossible to break through the fog he was living in.  Then one day while walking our dog, we saw a strange car in Henry’s driveway.  Wanting to make sure Henry was ok, we waited to see who it was.  We introduced ourselves to Henry’s cousin who had come by to check on him.  We learned that he and his wife had been trying to convince Henry to move to a senior community closer to them and wanted to enlist our help.

Step by step we worked with Henry on overcoming his rationalized inertia. He knew he needed to make a change but was “spinning in place”, as he liked to say, and needed someone to act as a compass to help him navigate each next step out of the darkness.  Initially he was talking about downsizing to a condo, but that doesn’t solve the problems of cooking and isolation.  With encouragement he reluctantly began touring and interviewing senior communities.  Little by little he began to develop a list of likes and dislikes.  He began to see how independent he could be living in a senior community.  He loved the idea of not having to cook!  He was impressed with many of the intellectual and social activities to occupy his time.  One community near his cousin was across the street from a university, so we suggested talking to the Dean about tutoring or guest lecturing as a way to get back into teaching.  Little by little Henry was finding his way out of the darkness.

Then came the day Henry told us he’d put a deposit on an apartment in the community across from the university near his cousin and needed to sell the house, but how?  What do I do with all the furniture.  How do I know what will fit in my apartment.  I’m not up to packing everything.  What do I do with everything that won’t fit in my apartment?  We could see the stress building in his body.  We could hear him getting overwhelmed.  We knew he was losing his resolve.  He was on the verge of canceling when we told him that we, as Realtors®, have a team people who can handle anything he needs.  You focus on moving and getting well and we will handle EVERYTHING else.   Our promise to him and his family.

With his cousin’s guidance he decided he wanted a clean break.  He was going to buy all new furniture, dishes, flatware, glassware…everything he needed for his new apartment.  He wanted to pack his clothes and lock the door.  It’s always such a rewarding feeling when we see someone turn the corner, make the final decision of what they want the next chapter of their life to look like and commit.  

Henry’s house sold in no time!  Seven offers all WELL over asking.  It really was a special house.  To minimize the stress on Henry we made sure he moved into his new apartment before putting the house on the market.  The buyers were a wonderful young couple relocating from the east coast and looking to start a family.  Henry was thrilled that another family would be living there.  Through the entire escrow, inspections, negotiating a request for repairs… Henry kept asking us what he needs to do and all we said was, “Henry, we told you, we have it handled.  You focus on you.”  We arranged an estate sale through one of our vendors.  Everything in the house was sold in 3 days.  Through the process you could see Henry come back to life.  The burden coming off his shoulders.  His “spinning in place” was slowing.  He was beginning to see the light again.

A few months later Henry invited us to his new place for a tour.  During lunch he made a touching comment in thanking us for our help, with his house and everything else.  He said “you changed my zip code and saved my life.  You made everything so easy.  I don’t know what I was so afraid of.”  With a wink he said he’d also found out how popular he was as a single man with a driver’s license living in a senior community.  It was clear he was healthier; his depression had lifted and he was no longer self-medicating.  He was lecturing at the center and was tutoring a few students at the university.  He’d met many new friends including a retired neurosurgeon from Pasadena.  When he gave us his name and asked if we knew him, we laughed and said, “Henry, he was your back yard neighbor for 45 years!  I’m glad you finally met.” 

Life threw Henry a nasty curve ball, losing the love of his life whom he never thought he’d meet.  I’m sure all of us would find ourselves “spinning in place” if life dealt us that hand.  It’s difficult to think about his circumstances becoming our own and looking to that unthinkable future to put a contingency plan in place but that’s what these cases are here to illustrate; no matter what the future holds we need to be prepared.  And being prepared means having a plan.  And sometimes having a plan means thinking about the unthinkable.  Fortunately, Henry had a community to support him and family to guide him.  We think of ourselves as part of that family.

If this sounds like you or someone you know, we’re here to have those conversations with dignity and tact.  Contact us at (626) 483-5269 or at [email protected].